It's Vegas, Baby!!

Things have been a snoozefest around here lately.  So when I saw on Facebook that my Vegas buddies were in Anaheim, for some reason, and my brain went WTF?? Why aren't they here visiting me?? It turns out they did attempt to get me but my media guy wasn't on the ball (that's right, I have my own phone number!). But they came the next day to hang with me so all is good.

It was Dave and Tarra's #1st anniversary. They came to my part of the country for a spontaneous anniversary trip. That's good because a year ago my owners went to Vegas for their wedding. They left me with my #1 pet sitter, Jennifer, who is a credentialed veternary technician.  I don't really need that level of care since I'm plenty healthy. I just need love, food and a water refill and I'm good. But enough about me!

I bring joy to people's lives as can be seen in the above photo where I am bringing joy to Tarra's life. She gets joy from squeezing me. I'm not sure of the exact squeezological mechanism, but it happens with others too, so it's a real phenomenon. It's known as the squeeze theorem. For those of you who failed calculus, it's a thing that Archimedes himself invented to confirm the limit of a function via comparison with two other functions (that would be Tarra and me!) whose limits are easily computed. That's just a long-winded way of saying she loves me! 

Black and white photo of Archimedes. It's not color because they couldn't make color photos back then.

Fun fact: Tarra took my picture that you see at the top of my blog.

Here I am looking kind of weird. Maybe I got squeezed a little too hard! :)

Pictured here is Dave. I'll be honest. We're having a bromance. That means Dave and I are in a homosocial relationship. I hope nobody is getting the wrong idea here - "bromance" is merely a portmanteau of two words and does not refer to some other kind of homo-type of relationship.  Not that there would be anything wrong with having that other kind of relationship. I want to be clear about that since I have a large following in the LGBTF community.  People and cats who are less sophisticated than myself might not be completely familiar with the acronym. That "F" stands for fixed.  That happens a lot to cats and it's not natural and is typically done without an informed consent. Unless it's a dog we're talking about. They all deserve to be fixed.  It would result in a better world, although they would still hump your leg.

Well, no way do I end my post talking about leg humping! Even on their anniversary, Dave and Tarra had to stop by to see me! I'm sure they had a good time! We don't see enough of them around here. 

chillin' with Dave!

Dave's my buddy from Vegas and comes to see me a couple times a year. That's a 3 1/2 hour drive that he often does in a little under 3 hours. So somethings fishy with that.


He's a photographer in Vegas and always shoots me when he comes. It makes sense he would want to take pictures of me since he shoots people like Paris Hilton (she owns a hotel or something and is from France), Taylor Swift (a singer my owner likes) and Kimberly Kardashian (I have no idea who that is). He's done portraits of Jennifer Lopez (a hot singer), President Bush, and Karl Rove (I think I've heard that this Rove guy is some kind of evil criminal of some kind or a distant cousin to Satan, The Lord of Darkness). I don't really know who these people are, but I mention it because since he takes pictures of celebrities and big shots, that explains (by the process of analogy) why he would drive all the way here to take pictures of me. I'm using simple deductive logic here which I might add is highly recommended by Aristotle who lives in Greece and was used by Sherlock Holmes who was the most famous detective ever. Roger Bacon in the 13th century tried to push something call inductive logic which is vastly inferior to deductive logic. Although Roger was something of a failure as a philosopher/logician, he is best known for discovering a tasty meat treat that goes well with breakfast.  

Somehow Dave is able to put me in a trance. He does this every time he visits! He appears to be showing off in this photo. I think he gets lessons from one of those Vegas magicians. My owner tells stories of growing up on the farm where he could put chickens in a trance by putting their heads under their wing. Chickens just go right to sleep when you do that. The fun part comes when you then toss them in the air. That scares the shit out of a chicken!!! That's too damn funny!  Birds are stupid. Although my owner grew up on a farm, he was not "born in a barn" as I've heard many people ask him.

I'll post some super photos Dave took of me soon. I wish he'd give my owner a lesson or two. One thing my owner has proven is that having lots of cameras doens't make you a good photographer!

I hope Dave comes back soon. My quality of life goes up when he's around!

Brianna - My latest sexy new friend!

Brianna drove all the way from Irvine to see me and she's my latest Sexy New Friend (SNF). She's a cat kind of person- she has a cat she calls Sapphire. That sounds like a girl name but Sapphire is actually a guy Siamese cat. Siamese cats are originally from Siam which is a really old country. In fact, it's so old it doesn't exist any more. I'm not sure how a country disappears but it's a good thing some Siamese cats escaped before that happened!! Although Sapphire is Siamese, he's all-American. Brianna isn't the kind of girl that's going to have some kind of import cat, taking housecat jobs from American cats.

Brianna came to get her picture taken in my world-class, gigantic water dish. I don't really need an 18,000 gallon water bowl but that's just how it is when you're in a luxury location like I am. My guy owner (who thinks he's a photographer) invited our buddy, Dave (a real photographer) over and they went crazy taking all kinds of pictures of my visitors. Here's some pictures of Brianna ...

photo by dave proctor, las vegas, a real photographer

photo by dave proctor, las vegas, a real photographer

I'm not a photographer but I have one. Who do you think takes all my blog photos!  I got better things to do. I mean when you sleep 18 hours a day, that doesn't leave much time to get things done!! ha!!  Here's the weird thing about these pictures.  Notice that when Brianna has her swimsuit on, she's not in the pool. BUT when she is wearing a dress, she's swimming around!!  There's all kinds of odd stuff that goes on around this place, but this is confusing.

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After Brianna was done, she took another moment to play with me. She was wiggling her finger in front of me in such a way as to bring out my primitive predatory instincts which have proved fatal many times to birds and lizards. My backyard is basically a bird killing field. 

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My predatory instinct is automatically going to try and nail a quick moving object. Whether it deserves death or not. Brianna didn't know how dangerous I can be.  I'm a predatory killing machine who is fully armed with two sets of front claws - these are my license to kill (so to speak).

Her cat doesn't even have front claws. So she made the mistake of making her finger look like a tasty morsel in a predatory training exercise.

This particular surveillance photo shows the exciting moment where my claw meets her pretty finger.

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Here I can be seen relaxing having discharged my evolutionary destiny of nailing her finger. I nailed it pretty good too drawing blood.

Everyone seemed a little upset about this. Everyone needs a reminder that had that been a bird that I  had murdered, I would have recieved multitudinous accolades, compliments and probably a commendation or two. But because it was Brianna's finger, everyone was unhappy.

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My owner made like he was some kind of super-emergency room surgeon and put a bandaid on her wounded digit. He needs to get a life!! Then he insisted on a photo of the medical procedure (seen to the left). He also insisted that Brianna hold up the bloodied tissues!!  Wow - talk about Mr Drama!

So now I got all this bad PR!!

For the record, she said it was "no big deal." She even showed off a scar on another finger from getting scratched by some cat last week! She shows no fear with those of us (i.e., cats) who are known as the "world's most efficient killing machine." (Seriously, we cats are called that! evidence here) No big deal she says, scars to prove it - hell, she's got more balls than the men around here.

Brianna isn't from Nebraska so she hadn't heard of the Huskercat before today. She did share that she learned how to husk corn on July 4th. That officially makes her a cornhusker! (note the lower-case "c") Brianna is my latest SNF and she loves me despite all the whining of the older adults who were aghast at her bloody accident. The other older adults around here need to get a little more realistic with their attitudes about cat behavior in order to stop this pussification of things around here. Brianna and me are chill - they need to chill out too!

Dave: It's Only Fair

Tarra got her picture taken with me which naturally made Dave feel sort of left out. I hate to see him get all mopey. So to get his spirits back up, we all thought it was best for Dave and me to get our picture taken together. He's a real photographer, not a wanna-be photographer like my owner. I'm sure he taught my owner a bunch of stuff.

It's pretty obvious that I had the desired effect - just look at the smile on Dave's mug! I think he gets down because him and my owner sure seem to make taking a picture awfully complicated. I think they should get a more simple camera or something. Maybe that way their brains wouldn't hurt so much! HA!!

Dave - Sexy New Friend??

Dave is a friend of the family. He seems to be really good buddies with my owner (the big one). They talk so much you'ld think they were a couple of gossiping girls! Not that there's anything wrong with gossiping. Gossiping is an excellent source of rumors. Dave's a friendly kind of guy and I like people who will worship me - period. I have no gender issues. I'm a good example of how you can't prevent love - just look at all the people who can't help themselves when it comes to showing me their love. Not that there's a good reason to help yourself from loving me. Just let the feelings flow.

The thing is - and I'm reluctant to bring it up - is that Dave believes that he qualifies as a SNF, that is, a Sexy New Friend. It's not like I have a bunch of rules about this. I'm not a bureaucat! HA! But seriously, to be a sexy new friend, I've always had three criteria: 1) a person has to be sexy. That only makes sense. 2) You have to be new around here. That makes sense too, otherwise you'ld be an old friend. 3)You have to be friendly to me, in otherwords, a friend. I don't have a high bar for this. Petting me and scratching behind the ears or under my chin are several excellent routes to this status. I'm pretty superficial about it really.

So one could argue, as Dave is, that he should be a SNF. He basically qualifies. His girlfriend said he was sexy (although I think her objectivity is a little suspect). The photos caught him in the act of being friendly. There's no doubt about that. In fact, he's better and pouring on the love than lots of the girls are. But here's the problem! All my other sexy new friends are pretty and wear pretty things. Dave's kind of a slob and doesn't have any fashion sense.

I want to be fair about this because I know whether a person qualifies as being one of my SNFs means a lot to people and really gives a person a status boost. It's called the Huskercat Bump. It's like the Colbert Bump except that I'm a cat. So I think the right thing to do under the circumstances is to have Dave be a SNF but on probationary status. My attorneys say that there's no problem with this from a legal point of view. They also said that someone like Dave should be damn happy with that status too. I think that's right, although when my attorney (who specializes in cat issues) said it, it sounded kind of derogatory somehow. The probationary status phrase was my idea. My attorney first came up with "wannabe" friend but that didn't sound quite right.

So congratulations to Dave - he's my newest sexy new friend! He's one of Tommy's SNFs! Unless he screws it up somehow. He friendly but he's also a little weird. I don't mean that in a negative way.