I'm getting bargelloed!

I hope I didn't scare anyone with my title. I'm not going to prison. I haven't been that bad! Last time I looked murdering birds isn't a crime. And I wouldn't go a prison in Italy anyway even though I think Chef Boyardee is the finest in canned pasta. I'm sticking with Fancy Feast Grilled Tuna in Gravy. But I'm getting off the point here. I'm quite a reader and so I knew about the Bargello Palace in Florence, Italy (for my Italian readers, the Palazzo del Popolo). What I didn't know is that bargello is some kind of needlework. I thought it was a little weird when my owner (the cute one) put this cardboard thing with colored strings up to me a bunch of times. 

Even though it was weird, I can't complain too much since she kept laying kisses on me. I encourage that kind of behavior in humans.   
So here's the deal. She's doing a bargello needlepoint thing and I'm in it! I'm already in a stained glass piece she did and a big ceramic dish thing that is in the back yard. This bargello thing she's making will have me needlepointed into it. That's why she is trying to match different threads to the different colors of fur I run with. She started on me but had to rip it out. She was mad and stuff. I guess it's hard to do. I just hope she does a good job of me!
When I walk around this place I enjoy seeing photos of me on the wall. I like seeing me in all kinds of things so I'll soon be a fan of bargello assuming she does a good job of it. So stay tuned. I'm sure when she gets it done one of my Huskercat documentary photographers will snap a pic of it.

Two Pusses in the Pool! Yippie!

Passion came over last week and now she came to see me again. I didn't recognize her at first! Her hair isn't blue anymore! Now it's kind of a reddish color like some of my fur. I think I know where she got the idea for her color change now! Anyway, I was sitting on top of the hot-tub because it's really warm. It's warm all the time I think because it's a hot-tub. I guess she came over for a swim. It was kinda of hot, but the water is till pretty chilly. But that didn't stop her. She was running and jumping into the deep end and everything. It beats me why humans like to go swimming - the only thing that happens when you go swimming is you get really wet which just sends chills up my spine!

It was just two pusses in the pool! I say two because she was wearing a swim suit that was a leopard print. It wasn't real leopard because if it was she would have been tossed in jail for awhile. You can't go around with leopard fur bikinis no matter how good she would look in one! MEOW!! Even worse than jail time would be the PeTA people coming over to demonstrate and spewing fake blood all over. What a bunch of nutjobs! PeTA kills more cats and dogs than they save - it's a big scandal. Actually, the big scandal was their killing all of the cats. Frankly, I don't think anyone would care about putting the dogs out of their misery. They lead such pathetic lives. Slobbering all over, fetching sticks and balls, rolling over on command. Is that retarded or what!! If they had a brain, they would feel humiliated all the time for being suckered into doing that. And if they felt appropriately humiliated they'd probably put themselves out of their misery! It would be a mass suicide - like a religious cult or something! Humans know better than to interupt a cat's nap time for shit like that.

So, anyway, it made me pretty nervous when she decided to love me up when I was walking to the back to scout for lizards. I ain't got anything about gettin' the luv, but seriously, did she have to hold me over the swimming pool! If she would have dropped me it's doubtful anyone would have ever found me in 18,000 gallons of chilly water!

Well, it was kind of a 1 babe / 1 cat swimming party today with her as the swimmer person and me as the luv object!

Nothing wrong with that!

Granulocytes, Reactive Airway Disease & lil' ol' ME!

Well, let's drag out the PPU (that's a Portable Prison Unit) and drag the ol' cat to the cat doctor! Apparently that's what my owner guy thought was a perfectly good way to spoil an otherwise perfectly good day and nap!

So this photodocudrama begins at CVS. No, not the drug store, but California Veterinary Specialists. They wouldn't just drag a cat like me for a drug store to get fixed! When you have a specialist type of Vet it's important that they be board certified. I insist on that. And this visit is not starting off well - the owner brings some lemonaide for himself and then has the nerve to set it down right in front of me who, by the way, has nothing to eat or drink. That's rude!

It's all kind of annoying because they pulled me in here just because I've been sneezing a bunch lately. My owner (the cute one) has been sneezing a lot lately too, but I don't see her going to a veterinary clinic. The people who live next door have a dog. I'm probably just allergic to that damn thing.

So how could this get worse you ask? Even if you weren't wondering this, I'm going to tell you. When they first dragged my ass to this place I thought CVS was for Cat Veterinary Specialists. I got disabused of THAT idea when I saw that this place let dogs in!

(see dog in this photo - it's just hanging out with some person) What's up with that? How the hell is a cat supposed to be medically comfortable when they just let any old dog in. The thing isn't even on a leash! Plus, it's ugly. It looks like an albino rat or something. Whatever it is, I hope it underwent some painful medical procedures. Maybe it won't come back!

The next thing I know is Mr. "let's drag the cat in a place that accommodates dogs" Owner has a compassionate moment and decides to open the door of my outdated PPU.



What a dumbass! I make a break for it! He didn't see that coming! Although he didn't see it coming, for an old guy he has pretty quick reflexes and snagged me just in time for the arrival of the medical team. So enter the medical team of Maggie and David.

I kinda remember David from the first time they hauled me to this place. He was very nice in explaining all kinds of things to my owners who were understandably very worried about their celebrity cat (that would be me). He and my owner were chatting it up like they were old high school buddies or something. David said he only got to this clinic when they needed him since he usually works at the Veterinary Gulag down in Carlsbad. He seems to be someone with some common sense. I mean why would you want to work in a place where they let dogs in! He probably hates dogs as much as I do. It must be nice to work somewhere with a NO DOGS policy.


In case you've never been to one of these cat medical specialty clinics, the first thing they do to you is check your weight. You'ld think this was some kind of Hollywood weight loss clinic or something with their preoccupation on how much a cat weighs.

I come in at a svelt 11 pounds, 1 ounce and I haven't even dieting! That's assuming their scale is right, but given what my owners pay this place I'm sure it's an excellent scale.





Then what happens is that they take some blood from you. This place is big on taking blood. That's a little suspicious if you ask me. I have no idea what they do with it. When my owner asks them about it, they just say it's a CBC test. I may be a cat, but CBC isn't even a word. My owner is pretty gullible.

I know what you're thinking - how much more can I take??? Well, what happens next is they slap me down on this cold, hard steel slab and then it takes two of them to hold me down while they beam x-rays into me. X-rays are radioactive which sounds pretty bad, but my owner said something about they'll give me a glow so I don't know where I got that impression.

I didn't know they were good for me when they did this to me which is why it took two of them to hold me down. I wasn't going to go easy! I got this surveillance photo to prove what happened to me in case I need to talk to the Cat Authority, but that probably won't be necessary now. My attorney tells me that holding a cat down like this is standard medical practice in California. But then anything goes in California!

Someone took this picture of me. I think it was Maggie again. She's always taking pictures of me. Why they needed another head shot of me is beyond me but I'm used to that kind of thing. There must be lots of celebrity animals here to have a staff photographer. As a professional photographer she should get her own camera though. She keeps borrowing my owners camera. You gotta wonder what's up with that!

So this is a picture of my insides. It's more like my bones as they're held together with my insides. Or something like that. It's what happens when you get x-rayed. That's got to be a hell of a strong camera. It's hard to imagine it's not dangerous. Plus I don't have a special glow either. Maybe you have to turn off the lights.

These x-ray pictures don't read themselves and that's where Dr Ogilvie (or Dr O, as I refer to him) comes in. He's one of my vets but he's not an ordinary vet. He's one of those Board Certified types in two areas - oncology and internal medicine. That's good because it was my insides that needed checking. Board certified in two things - talk about an overachiver! It's like a Grade A steak. Sort of. Well, not really, I guess. But it means he knows a lot. He's my oncologist - he even wrote a textbook on it. So I guess he's like a professor of cats. He seems pretty happy in the photo. I think this is where he thought things looked pretty good in me. I know I look really good on the outside and now it's official - I look good on the inside!

I don't mean to make a big deal out of it but to be extra careful, Dr O called Dr Mohammadian, who is a board certified cat radiologist. There were little white things in my lungs and so I got myself diagnosed with Reactive Airway Disease which apparently means you have little white things in your lungs. The doctors said it's nothing to worry about. The thing is Reactive Airway Disease sounds like something to worry about. Anything that ends with disease just seems like it's a problem, if you know what i mean! The steroids I'm on will help it and if it doesn't they would put me on an inhaler. Yeah, right, sure they would. There's about as much chance of them sticking my head in an inhaler as me catching an invisible pink unicorn in the hot-tub. So you do the math on that one! After word got out that I was in good health, everybody got pretty excited about it. I didn't mean to cause so much worry. Everyone seems to be so concerned about health around here. Not counting the weirdness of taking blood from every animal that walks in here.

So after all this excitement reverberates around the medical facility, Dr O personally carries me out to my owner. I feel a little bad because he's been sitting out there for a while with nothing to do but stress and worry about me. So I'm glad he'll be all relieved to get the good report!

So Dr O and Maggie came out and couldn't figure out where my owner was. I thought maybe he died or something but it turns out he was just outside yaking it up on the cell phone. Dr O pokes his head out and my owners gets all like Oh, sure, hey, got to get off, looks like the cat's done. Looks like the cat's done???? WTF!! Like I'm a piece of bread in the toaster! And why wasn't he in the waiting area where he was supposed to be. I'm surprised they didn't find him sleeping out back in a dumpster now! Dr O gives all the good news to my owner. My CBC blood test shows that I'm still kicking the ass of all the cancer cells. Even my Granulocytes in my white blood cells are perky and just fine. I have no idea what that means but my owners was smiling about it. The airway disease thing isn't that big a deal since I'm on steroids anyway, the Doc said. I'd hate to go off the steroids. I may be an old cat, but with The Juice, I can punt the ass of any other cat out of the back yard without even thinking about it! And dogs? Hell, dogs won't even come near a cat on steroids. I think they can smell it. Dogs are good smellers. That's what they have instead of a brain! HA!!!! Anyways, he asked Dr O what happens if my sneezing gets worse and he said they could put me on an inhaler. For what must have been a reason reaching back into my owners life as a serverely abused child, he thought the idea of me being on an inhaler was pretty funny. He made some kind of insensitive joke about it to Dr O, who didn't sound like he appreciated it one damn bit. No Board Certified Cat Doctor is going to laugh at crap like that. It was inappropriate and it wasn't even funny. My owner has an asthma inhaler. Maybe a wet furball deposit would be appropriate there. My owner might finally put 2 and 2 together, although I'd keep my wallet in my pants on that bet. Not that I have a wallet. Or pants. It's just an expression. I don't need a wallet - I get pretty much whatever I want by just meowing a lot. So we're outta here!

While we're sitting in the truck and my owner is fiddling with something, we spot this in the mirror. It's hard to make out but some guy has a dog on a leash (how humiliating, although completely understandable) and the dog is just peeing on the tire of that car! Dogs are nothing but ignorant trailer trash. God they disgust me!!

A good example of owner guilt is how I was lavished with an extra can of Grilled Fancy Feast Tuna with Gravy upon my arrival at home. If they don't forget to feed me tonight, that means THREE cans of FF Tuna today! Man! That's livin' the good life!

That's my report. Except for my owner, everyone treated me pretty darn good at the clinic. It means a lot when they get all happy dancing and stuff when they find out my insides are in good shape.

reflections on the birds

I've written before about that damn bird feader right outside the door here. The owners fixed it so it's really high so there's like no way I'll snag one on the feeder. But the bird feed (they eat seeds which if you think about it is really retarded!) drops to the ground. When that happens I can spring to action. Like I was wanting to do here! Except nobody would let me out! There were several birds dumb enough to perch themselves not but 3 feet in front of me but there was this big glass door keeping me from my evolutionary responsibility of murdering a bird or two. And then eating them. YUM! So there I was (see photo) all ready for lunch but the cafe du Écouter ( <--- that's french for bird!) was closed to my kind. Which is discrimination and that ain't right. Plus, it's like they're trying to starve me! Birds are tasty but sometimes the feathers make me barf the bird right back up although it would still be dead. Maybe the owners think I have an eating disorder. That could be since as a celebrity I might be mistook for a celebrity with one of those binge/barf things going on.

I don't know, but all this is just whipping my appetite up! I wish they had a Fancy Feast (Grilled, of course) with bird meat. They have chicken but chickens aren't real birds. I got to go badger one of the owners into dinner!

Passion Rayne - My Sexy New Friend!

Today was kind of a bore. It was Mother's Day and frankly, I have no idea who my real mom was. Probably some stray cat (not that that's a bad thing - everyone can't be as lucky as me!). My real mom now is the cute owner. I probably should have got her a card or something. Anyways, today was kind of a snoozer until Passion showed up. I don't mean like some kind of barely controlled emotion kind of Passion, I mean this girl called Passion - that's her name! But I hardly noticed her unusual name because she has blue hair! I've never seen a person with blue hair! Even with some of the wacky things that go on around here she's my first blue-haired sexy new friend!


A couple times around here we've had visitors with pink hair, but I got to tell you that even for a puss as worldly as me, I've not come across someone with blue hair. But she seemed like everyone else who comes over here - she's quite taken by me as can be seen in this surveillance photo. She's really pretty bold snatching me up like that and plastering a big kiss on me! I'm not complaining, but that's what she did. She had the good taste to PDA me in the HuskerRoom. In most homes this room is simply referred to as the living room. You can see Husker stuff on the wall making this room a shrine to the team and to me.

Here she is posing with me in front of the camera. My owner (not the cute one) thought this event deserved a photo. Which it did. In fact, I'm a little surprised my webmaster only put two photos of me and Passion here. The photographer took more than that. Sometimes I don't know what's going on in his head. It's hard to get good help.

It's possible that Passion is someone's evil twin. It's pretty well known that when a person with red hair has an evil twin, the evil twin will have blue hair. So Passion could be an evil twin. Or she could be an anime character since lots of anime characters have blue hair.
I'm not sure how one gets to be an anime character but I think she might be anime. I heard her and the big guy talking about anime. I think the anime are a tribe or something. I know the big guy has actually taken pictures of the anime. It all seems pretty suspicious to me.

I like to have photos of me with all my sexy new friends. Especially celebrity friends since I'm a celebrity cat. The only thing I can figure out is that she's famous or something. Otherwise, why would you have blue hair? That's just simple logic. It made me wonder if I should get blue fur! But I'm famous enough as it is. Plus, if I were to get a fur makeover it would obviously have to be Red!

Sulia two times me!

By two timing me I just mean that this was her second visit. She loved me up both times (see photos). I didn't recognize her at first since she had this biker-chick thing going. I hang with some pretty tough cats so I wasn't intimidated by this. In fact, I love the smell of leather since it's basically a dead animal. I tend to get hungry around leather. It's kind of weird. It's probably some evolutionary thing or something such as that.

I have to say that Sulia cleans up real good. Lurking below that biker jacket was Sulia in a little black dress. My owner (the cute one) says every girl needs a black dress. I wouldn't know anything about that. I'm beginning to wonder if my owner goes to a lot of funerals! I hope Sulia wasn't stopping by on the way from a funeral. Talk about creepy! That would be weird - especially if it was a cat funeral. Not that cat funerals happen very often. That's a big advantage of having nine lives! It would suck to be a human. They die all the time (I watch CNN).

So here I am. All dressed up and nowhere to go. Sulia was all dressed up and nowhere to go too. Since she was all dressed up she should have gone somewhere a little more exciting that this place. Seems like all the responsibilities around here end up on my doorstep. That's just an expression - I don't actually have a door step. I do have a litter box (which shouldn't be discussed in polite company). My owner did make me a little sleeping box thing out of some exotic woods from Africa and South America. It looks really nice and apparently cost a lot. I don't really use it but it was a nice gesture. I prefer to just sleep on his pillow. I wouldn't mind sleeping on Sulia's pillow! That would be heaven! Now I'm all sleepy. That happens quite a bit. I just accept it; I could have worse problems!

Kymberlie Jane - My Sexy New Friend!

I wanted to share with my fans these photos of Kimberly luving me up. Her name is Kymberlie-Jane, but I just call her Kymberlie. Long names confuse me. If you look up adorable in the dictionary you'll find her picture. Actually I don't know that for sure because I don't have a dictionary, but it would make sense.

She's wearing a Nebraska Football shirt. I might add that she looks really good wearing a red shirt such as this one. I bet she'd look good wearing any Husker shirt. I seriously get the feeling she's going to be in next years Huskergirls calendar. With a smile like her's she's going to go places. She's been in some magazines but I don't remember her being in Cat Fancy. If my owner had a clue about these sorts of things he should send one of these pictures to Cat Fancy. Talk about an easy tear sheet!

She was a lot of fun although I didn't hang around that much. She couldn't keep her hands off of me and she actually has a cat allergy. That's some kind of biological malfunction that some humans have. It doesn't make much sense to me. I'll have to ask one of my board certified vets about this. I don't think God would make people that way. Maybe she lives by a radioactive bomb plant or something. That would probably do it! But that was the only limitation I could find with her. She is real friendly and laughs a lot. I'm not sure what she was laughing about. It's not like my owner is very funny or anything. Maybe she was laughing at him! I kind of snicker at him sometimes - like when I pretend I haven't been fed and he feeds me twice. You gotta admit, that's pretty funny. I pretty much run things around here. A quick mind will get you a lot of places. Actually, your mind doesn't have to be all that quick around this place. But Kymberlie is a smart cookie. It was nice to hang with someone with some brains for a change!

My face went all funny in the last picture. I blame Kimberly for this. She kinda does that to you! It's hard to explain.