Showing posts with label murder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label murder. Show all posts

Saturday, May 19, 2012

To bee or knot to bee

Nothing as classy as starting off today's blog with some Shakespeare.

Ok, enough literary stuff. We had a BIG problem here at Chez Liam this morning. Unwanted guests - for the last week. The police sketch artist drew up a picture of the perps from my description. The forensic sketch can be seen below and perfectly illustrates the problem.


Official Riverside County Sheriff's Department Sketch
There were about a bazillion bees and they had built little homes inside the base of the olive tree. They're called bee hives and one can be seen in the forensic photo below:
   Bee hive with probably some honey it it. The photographer isn't very good. The hive is that splotchy white thingy in the middle.    
As can bee seen in the above photo, my owners hired an official bee killer who does his job in some kind of hazmat suit. Hired bee assassins like this guy are ruthless. There were thousands of bees in the tree and he used neuro-toxin sprays and chemical death gases to execute the bees, the queen, all the drones and the baby bees.  They had it coming; one of the little bastards stung my owner (not the cute one).
I had a front row seat! It was a window sill but you can't violate a phrase like "had a front row seat" and say "window sill" - that just sounds illiterate and I don't need the grammar police hounding me!
In this death photo, one can observe the hit man inserting the neuro-toxin. Given the unharnassed cruelty of this guy, I suspect he was using Zyklon B nerve gas, but I don't know that for sure. Regardless, Friday morning at around 7:30 was a regular ol' bee holocaust! I suppose I shouldn't say the word holocaust with such glee. Oh well, it's not like anyone can do anything about what I say!
In case the reader (that would be you), is feeling any kind of guilt about our extemporaneous extermination camp, I feel the need to inform you of the disgusting habits of bees.

Honey Bee SEX!!

There I said it. Honey bee sex. It's perverted and my house is in a high-class neighborhood and the last thing we need is a bunch of perverted bees greeting the guests.

Bee sex one of the most sickest, dramatic examples of sexual suicide in the animal world. That's right! I said sexual suicide! Man bees sex up the Queen in mid-air ... right in public! These man-bees are called drones. It's group sex too. All these drones try to sex the queen - it's one big gang rape! Seriously. No need to get offended about this, it's just science. The male bee that nails the queen first shoves his little penis with an urgent contraction of the abdominal muscles and a burst of  hemostatic pressure, that rams the sex-unit right into the queen's who-ha. 

Now the story gets weird!! The dude bee ejaculates with such powerful force that it rips the tip of his penis off and is left behind inside the queen's who-know-what. Then the bee spirals into a headlong dive into the ground and dies. This is not how God intended sex to happen. One can only conclude that this kind of behavior is the result of atheistic evolution.
Here I am checking out the holocaustal efficacy at the site of the depraved bee den.
BTW, do you know who a bee's favorite singer is? .....Sting!
Here I am looking pretty good!
Anyway, this sick evolutionary perversion isn't over. As the naive boy bee dies after having the end of his penis ripped off, the Queen bee's nuptial flight is just one sex/lust filled perversion encounter after another with more than a dozen or so more male bee whores. A bee Queen gives new meaning to the term bee slut!!

Oh. And then guess what??  After the Queen is all "filled up" with bee sperm, she's good to go for the rest of her whore life! I'd go barf right now except I'm not feeling a furball or anything.

Here is the getaway vehicle used by the bee mass murderer. It was systematic, methodical, and thorough. You got to admire German efficiency!


So how was your Friday morning???

Monday, June 22, 2009

More pics of ME!

More pics, more pics!!

So here's the backyard where I chase lizards and murder little birds. I got it pretty good!!
They kept bothering me for more pics so to get them off my back we took these pictures. I hope everyone loves the photos of me as much as I do!!

Here I am snoozing! It's a hobby of mine. I'm always good for a big yawn.

Ok - that's all for now!!

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Hunting Wild Game!! Implications for Backyard Eco-systems

I'm a little annoyed; I'll be honest. As can be seen in this first forensic photo I returned to the homestead having bagged a bird. I mean - it wasn't exactly big game, but it sure was fun sneaking up on it and pouncing on its little feathery body and watching its little soul rise to heaven as I crunched his puny little neck!
Naturally, I had to bring it home. Most cats like to fly under their owner's radar, but when it comes to snagging wild game, we are basically show-offs. I'm not being immodest, that's just how us cats roll. We're supposed to use our four big canine teeth for something! It's no big deal.



The problem is that, and I think we all see what the problem is going to be, the current female resident of this house seem rather unappreciative of my efforts. I present the second photo as Exhibit B where it should be obvious that she is restraining me from the trophy lunch I just caught.

I gotta say - this kind of treatment gets old. The backyard has what I would consider to be a total excess of birds. Backyards are important not only to the home owner, and to any guest of the house, and to many wildlife species as well. The backyard provides these species with major habitat requirements: food, cover, space, and water (there's a big swimming pool that serves as a major mouse drowning station). As the only cat in this place, it is my responsibility to manage these species in a way that is sensitive to wildlife needs. Especially MY needs! Clearly these two homeowners need to include my activities in their backyard species management plan. It's the way of the wild!

I admit that birds, such as the one that I murdered, can provide many aesthetic and recreational benefits to the homeowner. Watching me hunt for mice or a little featured creature or even a red-backed salamander hiding under a bush can add beauty and enjoyment to everyone's day. The humans around here need to recognize the ecological services provided by ME and how I benefit the entire backyard ecosystem. For example, worms keep the soil healthy. In a similar way, birds, such as sparrows, as any ecologist will tell you, deserve to be murdered by cats - it's part of the natural order of things. That's the way it is or God wouldn't have made us cats cold-blooded killing machines! When I kill a bird I am evolving into a better cat and I have two owners who need to appreciate that a litle more!



So after all this, I'm pretty bushed and I am going to take a nap in my sleeping berth, that I might add, was hand made from exotic South American and African hardwoods that are quite expensive. I'm going to dream of wild life maagement for sure!