What does the lizard say for News Years???

So why, you might wonder, do I give a rat's ass about what lizards do on New Year's Day.  However, to preface this question, I offer the following photographic evidence that I am usually a laid-back kind of cat. I'm not out to "get" anyone.  I don't enjoy making others suffer.

One Laid-back Cat

This is me snarling. And, yes, I do look adorable when snarling.

I think I see something!!

Us cats have pretty amazing reflexes.  We are faster than a Manhattan switchblade. I'm told … I don't know what that is.  How how are we so fast?  I'm sure you're wondering that. That's natural.  I'm no neurophysiologist, but it's not that hard to understand neuro-stuff, so I'll give you the simple story on how we're so speedy. It has to do with nerves. When a cat (or a human) reacts to a stimulus (like a meandering lizard, this will be important later), a nerve signal gets sent to the spinal cord and follows a reflex arc back to a motor neuron (motor means muscle) or it gets sent to the brain where a decision has to be made. Us cats use reflex arcs due to evolution and stuff for many things where a human have to "think" about it. Our effector muscles are really fast. Check this out if you don't believe me. We also have thick axons which makes us like a Ferrari compared to humans (no offense).

So anyways, I spot something …

This is me spotting something.

It was a lizard. There's a bazillion lizards around here. The surveillance system around this place is woefully inadequate for the needs of our operation at this facility (house) and so there are no photos of me chasing the lizard. But that's what I did and I employed a tried and true method of pursuit - chasing my prey into the swimming pool! The forensic photo evidence below shows his ultimate resting place - about 12 feet underwater! You gotta admit, that's pretty funny. The photo isn't up to my usual standards of quality but that's the problem of taking a picture of something dead at the bottom of the pool. 

Drowned Lizard who is Dead.

Lizards have been around for over 200 million years where us cats have only been around for about 25 million years. It's pretty sad that lizards haven't done more with those 200 million years than to evolve into weird looking creatures that get chased around all the time. That's not time well spent. So there you have it. I chased that lizard to his death and I'm proud of it. It's not like he didn't have it coming either. He was trespassing and thanks to the new Feline Stand Your Yard Law, I can deploy lethal force in these situations. Oh … and PeTA, you can suck hard on this all you want but you can't touch me!! Come on these premises and I'll make sure you are downwind as I, shall we say, express my anal glands in your general direction!

Requisite image mocking PeTA

Oh … so what does the lizard say for New Years? The last New Years sound from this lizard was something like "glub glub."

Cats - good; Dogs - suck. Darwin says so!

I'm not a scientist or anything. I don't have time to go to college and let's face it .. they wouldn't admit a cat anyway. I spend too much time sleeping and eating. Hmm .. so maybe I would be a good college student ... But all this doesn't mean I don't watch for the latest advances in evolutionary anthropology especially when they prove that cats are betters than dumbass dogs. Cats are better hunters (I think everyone knew this), but apparently we're much more stealthy than dogs, which obviously makes us smarter. Dogs are better at long distance chases, which obviously shows they're stupider. Why put in extra work if you don't need to? Evolution always favors those who can be strategically lazy - it's all common sense really.

Their data shows that cats have "a previously unrecognized mechanical relationship in which crouched postures are associated with changes in footfall pattern, which are in turn related to reduced mechanical energy recovery." I'm not exactly sure what that means, but another scientist said that "cats hold the edge in all-around hunting skill. Overall, they've fine-tuned their system." That validates what I've said for a long time - I'm a finely-tuned system. I'm glad science is finally getting around to studying this. They would have figured this out a long time ago if their scientists were as good as the ones that made Fancy Feast's Tuna Feast with Gravy. Oh well.

Hunting Wild Game!! Implications for Backyard Eco-systems

I'm a little annoyed; I'll be honest. As can be seen in this first forensic photo I returned to the homestead having bagged a bird. I mean - it wasn't exactly big game, but it sure was fun sneaking up on it and pouncing on its little feathery body and watching its little soul rise to heaven as I crunched his puny little neck!
Naturally, I had to bring it home. Most cats like to fly under their owner's radar, but when it comes to snagging wild game, we are basically show-offs. I'm not being immodest, that's just how us cats roll. We're supposed to use our four big canine teeth for something! It's no big deal.



The problem is that, and I think we all see what the problem is going to be, the current female resident of this house seem rather unappreciative of my efforts. I present the second photo as Exhibit B where it should be obvious that she is restraining me from the trophy lunch I just caught.

I gotta say - this kind of treatment gets old. The backyard has what I would consider to be a total excess of birds. Backyards are important not only to the home owner, and to any guest of the house, and to many wildlife species as well. The backyard provides these species with major habitat requirements: food, cover, space, and water (there's a big swimming pool that serves as a major mouse drowning station). As the only cat in this place, it is my responsibility to manage these species in a way that is sensitive to wildlife needs. Especially MY needs! Clearly these two homeowners need to include my activities in their backyard species management plan. It's the way of the wild!

I admit that birds, such as the one that I murdered, can provide many aesthetic and recreational benefits to the homeowner. Watching me hunt for mice or a little featured creature or even a red-backed salamander hiding under a bush can add beauty and enjoyment to everyone's day. The humans around here need to recognize the ecological services provided by ME and how I benefit the entire backyard ecosystem. For example, worms keep the soil healthy. In a similar way, birds, such as sparrows, as any ecologist will tell you, deserve to be murdered by cats - it's part of the natural order of things. That's the way it is or God wouldn't have made us cats cold-blooded killing machines! When I kill a bird I am evolving into a better cat and I have two owners who need to appreciate that a litle more!

So after all this, I'm pretty bushed and I am going to take a nap in my sleeping berth, that I might add, was hand made from exotic South American and African hardwoods that are quite expensive. I'm going to dream of wild life maagement for sure!