To bee or knot to bee

Nothing as classy as starting off today's blog with some Shakespeare.

Ok, enough literary stuff. We had a BIG problem here at Chez Liam this morning. Unwanted guests - for the last week. The police sketch artist drew up a picture of the perps from my description. The forensic sketch can be seen below and perfectly illustrates the problem.

Official Riverside County Sheriff's Department Sketch

There were about a bazillion bees and they had built little homes inside the base of the olive tree. They're called bee hives and one can be seen in the forensic photo below:

   Bee hive with probably some honey it it. The photographer isn't very good. The hive is that splotchy white thingy in the middle.    

 

As can bee seen in the above photo, my owners hired an official bee killer who does his job in some kind of hazmat suit. Hired bee assassins like this guy are ruthless. There were thousands of bees in the tree and he used neuro-toxin sprays and chemical death gases to execute the bees, the queen, all the drones and the baby bees.  They had it coming; one of the little bastards stung my owner (not the cute one).

I had a front row seat! It was a window sill but you can't violate a phrase like "had a front row seat" and say "window sill" - that just sounds illiterate and I don't need the grammar police hounding me!

In this death photo, one can observe the hit man inserting the neuro-toxin. Given the unharnassed cruelty of this guy, I suspect he was using Zyklon B nerve gas, but I don't know that for sure. Regardless, Friday morning at around 7:30 was a regular ol' bee holocaust! I suppose I shouldn't say the word holocaust with such glee. Oh well, it's not like anyone can do anything about what I say!

In case the reader (that would be you), is feeling any kind of guilt about our extemporaneous extermination camp, I feel the need to inform you of the disgusting habits of bees.

Honey Bee SEX!!

There I said it. Honey bee sex. It's perverted and my house is in a high-class neighborhood and the last thing we need is a bunch of perverted bees greeting the guests.

Bee sex one of the most sickest, dramatic examples of sexual suicide in the animal world. That's right! I said sexual suicide! Man bees sex up the Queen in mid-air ... right in public! These man-bees are called drones. It's group sex too. All these drones try to sex the queen - it's one big gang rape! Seriously. No need to get offended about this, it's just science. The male bee that nails the queen first shoves his little penis with an urgent contraction of the abdominal muscles and a burst of  hemostatic pressure, that rams the sex-unit right into the queen's who-ha. 

Now the story gets weird!! The dude bee ejaculates with such powerful force that it rips the tip of his penis off and is left behind inside the queen's who-know-what. Then the bee spirals into a headlong dive into the ground and dies. This is not how God intended sex to happen. One can only conclude that this kind of behavior is the result of atheistic evolution.

Here I am checking out the holocaustal efficacy at the site of the depraved bee den.

BTW, do you know who a bee's favorite singer is? .....Sting!

Here I am looking pretty good!

Anyway, this sick evolutionary perversion isn't over. As the naive boy bee dies after having the end of his penis ripped off, the Queen bee's nuptial flight is just one sex/lust filled perversion encounter after another with more than a dozen or so more male bee whores. A bee Queen gives new meaning to the term bee slut!!

Oh. And then guess what??  After the Queen is all "filled up" with bee sperm, she's good to go for the rest of her whore life! I'd go barf right now except I'm not feeling a furball or anything.

Here is the getaway vehicle used by the bee mass murderer. It was systematic, methodical, and thorough. You got to admire German efficiency!

So how was your Friday morning???

How to tell if your cat is killing you.

No, No, NO. the website, catswhothrowupgrass.com is only advisory. Some humans have posted on their blogs some grave concerns about how this goes to a page about How to tell if your cat is plotting to kill you. It has signs like how if a cat is kneading on you it's not a sign of affection but that the cat is checking your internal organs for weaknesses.

Humans have reacted to this and I just wanted to point out how these warning signs are only mere suggestions in the cat world. They are far from clear cut indicators of cat behavior. They are not some kind of imperative. The site was clearly put together by some paranoid, conspiracy-minded dog lovers. Humans have no need to worry about cats. Dogs are the stupid and most digusting creatures in the animal kingdom. Humans should worry about dogs!

It doesn't take much time googling to discover that some of the most evil people have loved dogs. Hitler had a dog. I don't think much more needs to be said! Oh, and he named the dog Blondi. It takes some serious sick psychopathology to name your dog Blondi. I hate to succumb to Godwin's Law here but the facts speak for themselves. That ain't no cat sitting next to Hitler with its tongue hanging out drooling like a moron. And besides, pets are supposed to make their humans happy and I don't see a smile on Hitler's face. Hitler wasn't a pleasant person and I wouldn't be surprised if it was his dog's fault. And I'm not blaming that dog for the holocaust. Although I wouldn't be surprised, to be honest here.

We've all heard about Cruella de Ville. She's one of the more infamous dog lovers. She had a fetish for dalmations and made them into lovely coats. Although this is a horrible way to go for an animal it's a little hard to imagine that the dogs hadn't done something to deserve it. But that's just my opinion.

And remember I said they were disgusting? Well if you plug cat lovers into google you find the most fun stories and things to buy for your own cat.

However!!! If you plug dog lovers into google ... well, I really can't find the words for the creepy, disgusting stuff that dogs do to their humans, but I suspect any human with more than a box or rocks for a brain can imagine what you might find at a web site called doglovers.com! I think we know where the phrase man's best friend came from! Listen - I'm not making this shit up! If you're not buying this then maybe you need to just grow up and face reality!!!

People don't need to worry about us cats! That's all I got to say about this matter.