stupid dog butt dials the cops!

Headline: Dumb dog does heavy breathing number with police.

Headline: Dim-witted dog causes trouble by scratching owners phone instead of her butt.

When a dog is this stupid, I thought I'd suggest a couple more precise headlines. I don't mean to criticize the Associated Press, but in their effort to be politically correct, they aren't laying blame where it is due. People need to understand how stupid dogs can be. Millions of people are catching onto this. In the olden days, there were more dogs in the USA. But now, there are more cats. There are ~74 million cats in the USA which is about 4 million more than dogs. 

It's not racist to call dogs stupid or dumb. It's not even racist to call dogs retarded, although it's a little insulting to retarded people.  Funny thing ... dogs are eaten for lunch and dinner in at least 11 countries! Click here for more info on dogs as meals.   

This dog looks like a dirty mop!!

When dogs aren't busy butt dialing, they are always sniffing butts (see above photo). 

I don't give a damn according to scientists!!

"Whatever," says cat.

Ok, I know a lot of my readers have been wanting to know what I think of this study by some Japanese scientists that showed that Felis catus's can hear their owners voices but don't really care one way or another. 

After I get done with my post, I'll make sure to email the Nobel Prize Committee to nominate these scientists for an award commensurate with their groundbreaking research that showed us what any cat already knows!!  Hey, wait a sec … by transitive logic this means that I should get a Nobel Prize!! 

Most people will just read some news blog about this study, but I prefer to go to the scientific literature and make sure the science is being conducted up to Huskercat standards. It was easy to do since the paper was published in Animal Cognition which I subscribe to anyway. I had my web guy put a little picture of the actual journal page.

This is what the journal article looks like!

This is an important journal - Animal Cognition - in that the very title implies the fact that us animal have lots of cognition.  Since it's about animals who have cognitions, you will find very little scientific articles about dogs since they don't really cognitate. After reading the research article, I'm ready to go on the record that this research was conducted in a way that is both valid and reliable. Since most of my readers don't have all the researcher connections that I have, I've included the actual results from the study which conclusively prove that cats are many times smarter than dogs. The reason for this is that dogs are stupid. That's pretty much all you need to know. Feel free to go poke fun at dog owners now. :D

Fancy science results and statistics.

More fancy science results and statistics with histogramical bars.

Jessika comes back to see me!

Jessika stopped by again. I was hoping she would come to visit since she sure seemed to like me when we first met! That's not unusual though, but I really like her. I think her and me are developing a thing, if you know what I mean. I don't mean anything untoward either - last thing I need is another sexual harrassment suit or for the court to think I've violated any of the restraining orders! I've learned my lesson! But at least I know Jessika cares about me. I was left out in the back yard and she was asking about me not that it mattered much to my owner apparently.

I'm not sure what she was up to. It looks like she stopped by on the way home from school. She seems smart so that could be. One thing I've noticed about her is she seems to like pink a lot! She always seems to be wearing something pink. She also changes her clothes quite a bit which I don't understand.

It's not like I have to worry about that. I got one coat and I wear it all the time. And it's a fur coat too so PeTA can go fuck themselves - I'll wear fur no matter what kind of wacked out weirdo political position those fear-mongering shit-for-brains take! I never even heard of them until today on the TV. I heard on the news that this radical group was trying to outlaw fur coats. All I know is that the International Association of Cat Celebrities (IACC) will sue their ass off if they push this. I'm a charter member of IACC, so what I say goes! I do wish they'd change their name from IACC though. IACC kinda sounds like the sound of coughing up a wet furball. I mean ... YUK! All I can say is that us animals who wear fur coats will unite and we will fuck PeTA up so bad they won't be able to sit down for a month!

What the hell would us cats, and bears, and dogs do without their fur coats? You don't have to reflect on that for very long to know that idea came from some mental retard! I heard Jessika say she wanted a cat. I should think about moving in with her. I doubt that I'd be missed much around here if how often I'm left out in the back yard is any indicator! I'm really just interested in us cats though. I could give a rat's ass about dogs! Rat's ass ... that's a weird saying ... I'm not sure where that came from. Sounds like something one of my owners might say though. Come to think of it, I really don't care about bears either. Bears are just godless killing machines anyway. I heard that on TV. Which proves that sleep learning must happen because I'm always sleeping when the owners park themselves in front of the TV. That's when I hang with them - they seem to appreciate it. They need to feel important and it seems to keep the Fancy Feast Grilled Tuna in Gravy coming so all is good.

I'm not sure how to wrap this up. I feel a nap coming on. I'll just say I hope Jessika comes by again. It certainly perks things up around this place! Oh, and PeTA can just suck it! God, they've pissed me off! No fur coats! What a bunch of asses!!! Sorry about all the profanity. I blame my owner since he swears a lot. Cats aren't natural profaners - we're all about love! 

Help send me to outer space (sorta)

So here's the deal - you've probably heard of the International Space Station. I hope you have. I'm a cat and I've heard about it. Anyway, they're shooting another room up. I suspect it's a place for the Russians to stay since they don't use deodorant and so they kinda stink. But they're having a naming contest and I would want all my fans to submit my name (spelled Tommy) so it would be painted on the side of the room thingy they're shooting up there. You can see the official NASA photo of it. Which looks like it's already on the space station. Hmm ... I hope this NASA group is on the up and up. At any rate, if you got enough time on your hands to read my blog, then you got time to click HERE and vote for my name. It's for the greater good. The name Buddy is in the top 10 and I think we can all see that Buddy is a dog's name. Talk about a retarded name! How embarrassing would it be to have a space room named after a dog??!! I'm not prejudiced or anything but dogs have to be the dumbest, smelliest, most worthless animal that runs on four legs. Plus, they're just stupid. So let's avoid a national embarrassment.

Speaking of dogs and outer space ... if my name gets on the space room, it would energize my latest initiative which is to start sending dogs into outer space. My plan is that we round up a bunch of dogs each time the shuttle flies off and when they get in orbit the cat-lovin' astronauts will open the pod bay doors, throw a frisbee into space and all those dogs will run after it! OMG that would be so funny! Those dogs would never figure it all out. So vote for me so that, together, we can punk a bunch of dogs!

Really funny dead dog joke!

Dead dog photo:"Are you sure?" the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do."He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it," the vet announced, "your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $330," the vet replied. "I don't believe it!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330?"

"Well," the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Today's Visit to Dr O!

It was a perfectly normal Saturday morning. I had already been toasting myself on top of the spa - it's always warm. And then on a warm day you get toasted on both sides. Cats are experts at finding warm spots.

Then the day took a turn for the worse!

As can be seen in this photo I was tricked into this PPU (that's a portable prison unit). There's only one reason they stick me in this thing - they're dragging me to see the cat doctor. This is all messed up because I hadn't even needed any pills for a week! Well, it turns out the owners had run out and I needed a check up before they'd give me any more. So if you're wondering how many PhD's does it take to remember to refill my prescriptions --- well, it has to be more than two!

So we get to CVS and they start loving me up like I'm going to forget this is all happening. I mean CVS as in California Veterinary Specialists, not the drug store, in case anyone was wondering.

So my owner (the cute one) starts yapping away with the vet tech (aka Maggie). I'm sitting in my cage and they're yapping away. Well that's just great. At least she's asking about how I'm doing and then right there in public they start talking about my barfing a couple of times. Sounds like someone has some resentments! Maybe I should talk about when she's barfed! I could if I wanted to. Maggie keeps asking questions about me. I suppose this is so they can soften me up when they take me to the backroom to do stuff to me!

Before we get to that, I'd like to address a rather troubling issue with these Vets. These CVS vets usually seem very professional, but then they go and have all this dog stuff around (see photo above). I've circled and made arrows so my point gets across about this canine trifecta. Dogs are bigger but cats are smarter and more cunnng and their owners are willing to spend more money on us cats than all those doublewide owners and homeless people are willing to spend on dogs. Maybe if Dr Ogilvie reads this and if he has any clout in that place this could change.

So now we're just waiting. It's a Saturday and it seems like stuff takes longer on weekends. Most of the vets are probably off playing golf or killing puppies - both are pleasurable past-times. It's a long walk down the hall to the examination/surgery/torture dungeons and I have to admit it can be a little disquieting.

I notice that there is much less a sense of gloom outside. This gets me to thinking ...

That's right - I try and make a break for it!

I get past the first bench but then I'm snagged by this other vet tech. I've explained in an earlier post (in great detail) about how sneaky vet techs are. I think this one was spying on me given how easily she thwarted by escape attempt.

So after this little fracas, Michelle tries to console me. It might have worked had she had the sense to do it somewhere so that I couldn't see the great outdoors. It's hard not to get bitter about all this stuff!

So as can be seen by this photo they came out to haul me back to the backroom (as they call it).

They stick me on a cold table - like the kind they do autopsies on and start feeling up my throat. This vet in the red is from Slovinia which from the sound of her talk it's clear she's not from around here. Slovinia must be out past Moreno Valley - really far away. And Dr Ogilvie isn't my regular doctor. Dr Prouix is my regular doctor. He's a board certified specialist in oncology (cancer in other words). But they tell me that Dr Ogilvie is too. I prefer to see specialists as I'm a complex cat. I see that Dr O has published several books in the field. Well that's good. I want smart people around me to take care of my needs.

I'd like to point out that even though she is from a far away place, she still was very thoughtful in wearing red for my visit. As the Huskercat (GO BIG RED!), I appreciate the gesture. I've never seen her here before and I've been coming here a long time. They could use someone as considerate as her. I hope she sticks around! And that girl in blue can also stick around as far as I'm concerned. She obviously had a thing for me. I always like to encourage that kind of behavior!

So these photos show me getting probed and measured with their gizmos. I'm surprised that they let Maggie take these pictures of them in the act. Other than probing and poking me, they slapped me down on the table and needled me so they could get some blood. This happens every time I go there! The only thing I can figure out is that they are housing some kind of incompetent vampire who can't get blood on his own. Talk about embarrassing!

I don't quite get what all they're doing, but you have to admit that in this surveillance photo Dr O and Jenn Spela of Slovinia looks like they got caught doing something. Beats me but I've learned over the years that when Vets look like this you don't want to provoke them. Last thing I need is for them to decide that they're going to use me to juice up their secret vampire. Now that I'm home and can do a little research, I find out that Slovenia is well known for vampires! Holy cow - I was kidding a bit ago about the vampire business but now it seems clear that I'm right about this. Us cats have to go with our sixth sense on stuff like this.

HEALTH REPORT: So it turns out I'm doing great. I was assuming I was doing great since I'm looking so good. I got a refill on my human cancer drug which is actually made for human people. It's pretty powerful so when they looked at my blood cells and my platelet cluster count was good so we know that the drug isn't killing me! That's certainly good! They also gave me some more prednisolone. I have to take that every day. It's a steroid which probably accounts for my being able to kick the ass of any cat that comes in the yard even though I'm getting pretty old. I can also run dogs out of the yard, but you don't need steroids to do that. Dogs are wuses.


It's getting obvious that this vet in the red sweater is really into PDAs! Her displays of affection are getting pretty personal. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that she's pretty good at it. She seems pretty smart and smells really nice so I bet she's not one of those vets that works with dogs. She's too pretty to let herself go to the dogs. HA!