Saturday, November 28, 2009

Snap a Rat!!!

We've been having rat problems on the home front for a couple weeks! Turns out the city tore out a bunch of ground cover in the middle of the street not but one house away and, all the local houses were recipients of the rats who previously were plenty happy there. This has been loads of fun! Nothing like a good rat chase to keep one young! Anything that will help me stay young is good since I'm 18 years, 2 months old. But who's counting!

The owner got one of these big traps for the garage. They think they pretty much got the house sealed up but there still a few sneaking in somehow. Or maybe they can't get out. I don't care as long as we get them appropriately murdered. In a fun irony we put cat food in the traps. The rat sniffs his way (or her, I'm an equal opportunity rat slayer) over to the trap and as soon as they put their little sniveling rat nose onto the food - SNAP!!! The big serrated jaws of death hammer their head instantly sending them to Rat Hell where they will burn for eternity or be eaten alive by Satan's cats.

Before the owner got out here to see the recently demised rat cadaver I was able to lay out the crime scene. I've done this a million times as an experienced RSI (Rat Scene Investigator), thus the obvious professionalism you see in the crime scene photos. Just doin' my job.Exhibit A3 (above the expired rat) shows a piece of the cat food. It's Friskies hard food that leads the rat to his demise. Another lovely irony is that the food pieces are heart shaped. I like to think that I kill with love. I'm all about love especially seeing as how I love murdering rats! As can be seen in this photo, I'm a paws-on type of cat. Here I am smelling the sweet smell of rat termination.

I don't mean to be crass but this is kind of funny. The trap slammed down on the rat sooo hard that the just expired rat blew blood out its ass! That's why I said it was crass. Get it? HA!! I'm glad his little rat family didn't see this! How embarr-ass-ing would it be to see a rat family member who had a little explosive bleeding upon his p-ass-ing? That's a rhetorical question really - obviously it would be embarr-ass-ing. Damn, I'm having too much fun with this!! No doubt about it, dead rats are damn funny.

Anyways, suffice it to say that the deceased rodent is no more, he's gone to meet his maker, and that's just how we like them here. What you see here is a traditional kind of rat killing machine, but my one owner is rather perverse about rat murdering. He's willing to spend the big $$ for latest technology in rat extinction science.

He got four RatZappers (trademarked name) for the attic. They are little metal tube things (see photo) that you put food in the end and the rat sneaks into the tube and when he puts a thieving paw by the food he triggers an electrical shock (a zap if you will, specifically a rat zap!) which fries his brain and stops his heart dead basically snuffing the consciousness out of his future. It's pretty fun to watch! If rats had a brain they would know that I deploy only the latest in innovative, breakthrough rat murdering technology at our facility! The units even have a remote monitoring device so the murderer doesn't have to take time out of his day to check the traps. These things are so efficient they have to be German technology!

The RatZapper company says their annihilation units are 100% humane with "no blood, no gore, no mess." That's too bad - apparently the company doesn't appreciate the deep emotional satisfaction of inflicting pain and torture resulting in blood, gore, and, yes, a mess! Nothing wrong with a little rat mayhem! I'd be happy to consult with them in developing a ratzapper that was only 20% humane. This unit would come highly recommended in the cat community. I have time to do this since, due to the economy, my hours have been cut back on my Huskercat promotional responsibilities and Fancy Feast hasn't come through with a contract yet. I hope I'm not sending letters to the wrong address ....

So, anyways, all I have to say to rats, to paraphrase former President Bush, is BRING 'EM ON!

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