I wuz hyponotized!! NOT!

Let's be honest. There's all kinds of weird things that happen around here.  Even a superficial perusal of my writings will demonstrate that I have either been subject to or have participated in a peculiar buffet of experiences. But I have never been subjected to what is called animal magnetism!!

I wouldn't think that cats (aka genetically-coded predatory killing machines) would be able to be magnetized animalistically, it would be way too anomalistic. Cat have too much intellect that can only be measured by psychometrists trained with a feline speciality when they go to school. 

Dogs are another story as they are stupid. There's even a book on how to hypnotize dogs (see below). I'll save you some $$$ and tell you how to do it .... just dangle a shiny object in front of them.

Just warning you ... you are about to encounter dumb dog pics. They're pretty funny!! :D

As proof, I submit Exhibits A, B, C, and D to demonstrate the goofy things you can get dogs to do when you hypnotize them. 

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

Exhibit D

So what about cats?  You can't find a collection of dumb cat photos and stories on the internets like you can with dogs. There's like 20 orders of magnitude difference!! And that's a lot! Just ask any of your mathematician friends. 

Since the photo below appeared in the blogosphere, some have claimed that I was being hypnotized.

 Animal Magnetism!!!

Those making the allegations point to the hypnodisc, whirly thing behind the hypnotist, but she's not a hypnotist, she's one of my sexy friends (Kira to be specific, and I don't mind being specific)! And that whirly thing wasn't there. I don't remember it. Someone has plopped that in probably using one of those programs like photoshop. Some people on the internetwork say that she is using her hands to pulse me with her magnetic, hypnotic pulses. Let's face it, anyone can get an internet account and say stuff. And add that to the statistical fact that half the people out there are stupid, I'm surprised this hasn't happened before! But in fact Kira and I are merely frolicking at the moment. It's a photo record of two frisky animals diverting themselves from the more serious concerns that face our country. It's a friendly romp during one of the six or so hours a day that I'm awake. 

All I know about whoever started this rumor that I was being hypnotized is just jealous. That person (or a dog???) probably went ballistic when they saw me and Kira relaxing together and enjoying ourselves.  Deep down they know that someone like Kira isn't going to hang with a stupid person! She's college educated and smart and gets bored easily around the dull-witted (she's like me that way!). 

So to all the jealous types out there - Suck on THAT!!

And to all the dogs who got a brief jolly out of the tall tale - go apologize to your owner for being the sad excuse for a dog that you are!!

Dr Goldberry - My First SNF of 2013!!

Dr Goldberry (left), Liam (right)

Yow! 9:00 AM on a Sunday morning and the doorbell is feeling pretty energetic! Nothing happens at 9am on a Sunday morning around this place.  I'm certainly not doing anything since it would cut into my 18 hours a day of sleep/nap time!

It turns out she's here to leave her car and drive away in my owners truck (coincidentally seen behind the Dr and me). That's right, her name is Dr Goldberry. I wonder if she's related to the famous evil mastermind, Goldfinger?  Anyway, it's Sunday morning ... maybe she's going on some religious expedition. Breaking news!, she's my first SNF of 2013. Since we're starting the year out, I should explain that SNF stands for Sexy New Friend. I think the qualifications needed for this designation are obvious. I've never seen her around here before, but she's a Dr who makes house calls that's for sure! She's a famous writer too. She wrote a book called Juniper Tree Burning. Nobody was sick around here so I think she's a tree doctor. That's an explanation that works with all the facts here. She's probably hauling trees and needed that truck. That makes more sense than doing some Sunday morning religious thing. I don't think religious people would cut loose with a string of profanities like she did!

I made a break for it -  out the front door - and the powers that be made sure that Dr Goldberry got a souvenir photo with me.

Well ... after she left, I checked out the two dogs that the neighbor keeps quarantined in their backyard. They must have some kind of disease since they are never let out. They are tons of entertainment. Apparently they don't like me sitting on their fence looking down at them. And mocking them. I roam free and they are prisoners for life! HA!  Dogs are stupid. You never hear cats running around yelling I smell... BACON!!!baconbaconbaconbacon! So I have a new friend and I spent the rest of the morning sneering at a couple dogs that wouldn't shut up until I went after a lizard. Not a bad Sunday morning!

Me overseeing the neighbor's dogs

I got Mise en abymed with Kira!!

We'll get to what Mise en abymed means later.

Kira is my friend from Portland, Oregon. She came down to see me again. Or so I was told. It's a little hard to believe when she and my owner (not the cute one) packed up a bunch of equipment and headed out to the desert! Joshua Tree Desert and some place called Yucca Valley. I was going to say some god-forsaken place like Yucca Valley, but then I don't really know what God likes. Other than it's obvious he likes cats. You don't get 9 lives and not have God on your side! That's just simple math!

The lovely town of Yucca Valley. (more like yuk-ka valley!)

My owner thinks he's pretty smart. It's a claim with precious little evidence, if you ask me! I was hoping for a picture of me with Kira that would show a little imagination. Just a little, tiny bit of creativity. Something with a little mise en abymed would be cool. Ok, I didn't actually know what mise en abymed meant until I tried to explain what I wanted.  I wanted me to be in my picture lots of time. The French have a pretty snazy way of say a little recursion where I get repeated again and again in self-similar ways. You see this kind of stuff in art and things. No reason why that can't be me recursing around in a photo!

Here's what I'm talking about! You can see that this lady keeps showing up in her picture. It's weird; it's art

!

Kira (left) and Liam showing some mise en abymed.

Here's what they came up with. It's better than the stuff he usually does. That's me and Kira and then on the TV you can see Kira (and I am not very visible because I'm laying down in front of her). I was hoping for infinite recursion, but this is a start. My owner is usually pretty successful, although that has a lot to do with my low expectations.  

So anyways, as you probably know, in literary criticism, "mise en abyme" is a type of frame story, where the core narrative illuminates some aspect of the story. These French words are used in the deconstruction of narrative, by people with lots of time on their hands, and is a paradigm of the intertextual nature of language. That's all fancy talk and a long way of saying that language can't quite describe reality. I say all this as a way of explaining how I can't find the words to describe the reality of how awesome it is to see a Husker fan in a real, authentic, Husker jersey making it look so cool in the middle of the desert standing in front of a giant rock! 

Well ... that's all for now! I hope I didn't make your brain hurt!

Bruins are Godless Killing Machines!

Oh boy, wow. Yuk!! UCLA hasn't beat the Huskers since 1988! We can't say that anymore! UCLA hasn't upset Nebraska since 1972 when Nebraska was ranked #1. I'm pretty sure about that 1972 thing but I don't have time for a lot of fact checking. Bad tackles, interceptions, poor half-time recovery were just part of the problem. UCLA football has a reputation of being "soft" and their schedule was seen as a "cakewalk." This reputation may not be fully deserved ...

Yay for us after our first score!!

Here I am. Looking adorable but increasingly depressed watching this abortion of a football game. Note the Husker Red blanket for my basket. I am fully committed to Husker Red!

Fox can hardly be considered "fair and balanced" when they use such BIG numbers in a transparent attempt to rub some Husker noses in Bruin poo. This is anti-American which I guess shouldn't be a surprise since Fox is owned by some rich dictatorial tycoon guy from Australia, which logically demonstrates that Fox is literally un-American. I'm not even sure Australia is a real country since it's a little third world island. That place has over 1500 kinds of spiders! They have over 6000 kinds of flies for God's sake!! And get this ... Australia is famous for their bears. Especially koala bears that scientists refer to as arboreal marstupials. Scientists have proven that bears are evil and stupid - a very dangerous combination. This is no coincidence as will be detailed below. Australia is a dump and that's why Fox Sports was trying to embarrass the Cornhuskers!

The UCLA Bruins outplayed us today. They may have cut a deal with the devil to keep our passing so inconsistent and having our players missing their tackles like they did. What evidence do I have for this??  Just look at their name - BRUINS. Do you know what Bruins really are? BEARS!!! Bears are godless killing machines without souls and are Satan's minions and the true symbol of evil.  Bruins run around the woods using it as their personal latrine and hide behind their "endangered" status. This is all true - I found it on respectable web sites that are on the internets and is a view made famous by Dr Colbert, DFA, who is a scientific authority on bears.

Government warning sign that can be found in all of America's national parks.

These are strong charges but I stand behind them. These are clear evidence-based conclusions and I hope that the Huskers can get some of Satan's minions on the offensive and defensive line sooner than later! By next Saturday would be nice since we'll be tangling with the Red Wolves of Arkansas State. Given what happened today with the Bruins, I wouldn't be surprised if the Red Wolves are actually werewolves!! You heard it here first!!

Bears have no respect - not even for Jesus!!

Liam, the Huskercat, makes special appearance at the Pink Leopard

Well today was a little different!  On the way back from seeing the Vet for my annual shots to protect me against diseases, my owner stopped off at a local eatery called the Pink Leopard. He had to take me in because it's against the law here in California to leave an animal or a child in a hot car.  California has laws for everything! It's nice to know I have legal rights!

A little to my surprise, I was very popular in this establishment. You'ld think people had never seen a puss before! This place was very fancy. Here I am with the head Leopard Girl. All the girls who worked there wore these really fashionable leopard paw-print dresses. Technically I'm not sure if it's a dress or not. It's not any bigger than a shirt. They said I was a chick magnet. I had the impression that was a good thing. I got my picture taken with lots of the girls.

Photo by noted celebrity photographer, Dave Proctor

After all the girls were getting their picture taken with me, this big fellow visited us and said we had to leave since cats weren't allowed in the establishment. He seemed really rude and should take a seminar on how to treat customers if you ask me! My owner said that can't be right - a place named after a cat legally has to allow cats inside. This seemed to confuse him for a second, but then he laughed and asked if I was 21. At that point the conversation got kind of weird. This guy didn't seem to like me and the discussion got a little hard to follow, but my fans should know what happened.  I'll just reproduce the discussion between my owner and Mr. Bouncer (talk about a goofball name!). 

Mr Bouncer:  Is that cat of yours 21? You have to be 21 to come in here.

My Owner: He's older than 21.

Mr Bouncer:  That's bullshit. What year was it born?  (Liam comment: referring to a cat as "it" is just racist!)

My Owner: Liam was born in 2008 ... in August. 

Mr Bouncer:  You're not very good at math are you? That makes the cat 4 years old, not 21. And what kind of name is "Liam"?  That's just gay.  (Liam comment: wow - this guy is racist AND a bigot!)

My Owner: Sorry, dude, but he's a cat so 4 years and 1 month, using the algebraic cat age conversion formula his age translates into 33 years old. 

Mr Bouncer:  I can't believe I'm having this stupid conversation!! Listen, your fur ball has to show a photo ID with his age or I'm tossing both of you out of here. 

My Owner: You're kidding, right??  Show an ID for a cat!!

Mr Bouncer:  Right. Show it and you guys stay. No photo ID for the cat and you're both out. It's as simple as that Mr Smart-ass!

(so now something really funny happened! My owner pulls out my HomeAgain photo ID which has my picture on it and my age! I also have a microchip in me which is why I'm often referred to as a high-tech cat.)

My owner proferred my ID - all the girls started laughing like crazy! I'll cease the paraphrasing re-creation now. Mr Bouncer got really steamed and the head Leopard Girl came over and told him we could stay as long as my owner kept ordering pitchers. The food never showed up which is odd for a restaurant. But like I said this is a very fancy place and even had some very acrobatic dancers on-stage! Very classy place! I heartily recommend it.  Just ask for the head Leopard Girl and tell her that Liam sent you. 

Katya - Sexy New Friend & Pugnacious Dog Pugilizer

This Saturday was some kind of Huskercat record!  One day --->  3 sexy new friends. 

Exactly how does this happen?  It's not exactly clear. All three SNFs are wearing really cute Nebraska Husker shirts.  They are all three holding a "I Love Liam" (that would be me!) signs. All of them look really sad that I'm not there (completely understandable). The only thing I can figure out is that there was some kind of Huskercat conference and NOBODY TOLD ME!!  My owner, who was in attendance (but not wearing a cute shirt) apparently forgot to take me!! That means I didn't get to actually meet my SNFs. :(  I'll post a separate entry for each of my new Huskercat fans! They deserve that.

In an attempt to put this debacle behind me, let me introduce Katya. She looks really sad without me. You can see it on her face. I do appreciate her thoughtfulness in making a sign so that there could be actual proof that I was missed. She's clearly not to blame. I'm hanging this on my owner who forgot to take me. What a dimwit!!

There may be an alternative explanation though. This forensic photo (shown below) captures the moment when two gigantic dogs attacked Katya. This seemed to be in retaliation for her showing the Missing Liam sign. Maybe my owner knew they would be crashing the party and didn't take me for my own safety!

Two horrible dogs attacking Katya!!

Note how these two predatory, vicious, disgusting, smelly dogs attack Katya without a moments notice.  Two dogs - one girl. That's what they call "fair" in Dogland!! They both seem to be off their leashes. Looks like the dogs aren't so retarded that they can't outsmart their owner and escape. It looks like Katya is going to be a victim of these two heinous canines.

But check out this!!! Katya punches the big dog right in the kisser. BAM!! BAM!! Katya is a college student and it looks like she is majoring in ancient Chinese martial arts! Lookz at how she slobber-knocks the jowls off of that fucking dog. It seems obvious that she is practicing Nanquan which focuses on the use of arm and body techniques. Katya is half Chinese and has learned these ancient Chinese forms of defending herself against rabid dogs.

This picture of her ka-powing this dog right in the kisser is my all-time favorite dog abuse photo. Or maybe she's a member of a secret PeTA kill squad ... Hey, google it, they exist. 

Katya is harnessing all of her qi energy and putting the moves on this beast moments after knocking his teeth loose with her left upper-cut. I'm pretty sure this photo was taken moments before she snapped his neck and killed him. Attacking Katya certainly should get the death penalty. And look at how Katya is smiling. She's thrilled to have another dog kill under her belt. I mean that figuratively unless the blue denim thing she's wearing is a belt. But I have a feeling it's actually a really short skirt. Oh, well ... I digress. Maybe it's a good thing I didn't go to this Huskercat conference. It must have been in a bad neighborhood with those dogs running around like this. On the other hand, I would have had Katya looking after me. I could have clawed the shit out of one and she could beat the other one senseless. We'd make a good team!!

Tabitha - my sexy new friend with RED hair!

Tabitha is part of this Huskercat record of 3 sexy new friends in one day! 

Here she is holding a "I Love Liam" (that would be me!) sign. She looks so sad in the first picture because I wasn't able to be there so she could have her picture taken with me. :(  Tabitha is a very special Huskergirl!  Why?  Hey, check out her red hair!  That is dedication!! It gives new meaning to "Go Big Red!!" 

I hope Tabitha wasn't too disappointed that she didn't get to be in a picture with me. Maybe she can visit some day and we can make that happen. How come I didn't get to go to this Huskery meeting is a mystery to me. Heads are going to roll when I find out who left me behind on this day!

Exhibit #1: Evidence of sexiness!

Is she adorable or what!!